Seriously! Can you believe that?? I hardly ever wear make up these days because I am too tired to get up an extra ten minutes earlier. LOL
I forced myself out of bed this morning and put on make up. It makes me feel better.
I have been having a rough time lately. I always thought pregnancy was supposed to be all happy and giddy and wonderful. I have been battling some serious demons the last few months. I can't get excited about my babies. I won't read any books. I won't look at any magazines. I won't buy anything for the babies. I won't buy maternity clothes. (I have to afford them)
I haven't been the nicest person to be around either. My marriage is hanging by a thread. I am locking myself up in the bedroom more these days. I don't want to be around anyone. My step daughters know there is something wrong. I have been a short fuse and it is scary.
My husband and I got into a big fight this weekend in the car, in front of the girls. Actually, it was me yelling at him twice. Not much fighting but enough to scare the crap out of everyone in the car. After I told him to not talk to me anymore, I felt like such an a-hole. I drove home in silence, went straight to the bedroom and stayed there for an hour before I finally called them all in the room and apologized for the breakdown I had. Hubby wasn't very happy with me and he pretty much didn't talk to me the rest of the weekend. Church was uncomfortable yesterday. It was a miserable weekend. Hubby pretty much told me if I can't be nice around the girls, he didn't want to be with me anymore. That was a huge blow to me. I can't imagine my life without him. I would be lost. It definitely opened my eyes to my actions. I know it is hormone related but man, I need to just walk away from here on out. I can't let my attitude ruin my marriage.
I don't know what else to do. I'm depressed all the time. I complain all the time, I am not excited what so ever! I am freaking out over finances, maternity leave, daycare, being a good mother..... It's overwhelming.
And to think, I suffer from infertility. It took me years to get here. I wanted these babies so badly. I want them even more! I feel like a dead beat right now. A worthless, ugly monster. It's horrible. I feel horrible. I just want to enjoy this moment. This is my last being pregnant. *sigh*
I'm so sorry for the downer post. I just need a place to vent. Am I alone? What should I do about my step daughters. Since becoming pregnant, their fussing and arguing is really getting to me. I just need to walk away. I try to help my husband out but all I'm doing is making it worse.
Oh, the fighting all started because of a Dairy Queen blizzard. Tell me, is that not the craziest thing???
Kami
Samantha and Mia
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28 comments:
Hey love nugget! Call me when you get off of work today and we can have a "date" I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. Sending lots of hugs your way... and hot dogs too...
xoxo
OK, Kami!
I was in bed last night crying because I never get a break. I'm so tired all the time, I don't get enough help with Bailey and sometimes I am so stressed out that for split moments I wonder if I really even wanted to be a mother. It's such a horrible thought and feeling that I can't believe I even typed it. I'm overwhelmed and being a mommy is so very hard. But, I know that God blessed me with this task becasue he knows I can do it and I will be good at it! You will too! Just talk to your doctor about your mood swings and they might be able to do something. Keep your chin up! Soon it will be over and you'll be holding those sweet babies!
Hormotional, that's what you are.
What not a lot of people tell you is that pregnancy after IF is a unique experience. One that comes with doubts and fears and robs us of just enjoying sometimes.
I have been an emotinal wreck the past few days. EVERYTHING makes me cry and once I start crying I can not stop. I start doing dramatic loud sobs. It's the strangest thing. I've been emotional before pregnancy but nothing like this. I understand hormones are not an excuse, but hopefully you hubby will cut you a little slack and you can learn coping techniques to get you through (like walking away).
The good news is the emotional waves come and go. You are in a funk right now but it will pass and you will feel better, only to have another breakdown in the future.
In the meantime, focus on you babies and the miracles they are.
Pregnancy and motherhood after IF are so difficult... you feel like you *should* be on Cloud 9, finally achieving what you've worked so hard and waited so long for. But those expectations just make it all the more difficult to deal with the natural fears and hormones that come along with the process of giving birth.
I know we all hate to go on drugs when we are pregnant, but your situation sounds severe, and I'm worried about you! I wonder if you'd consider going on an anti-depressant that is safe for pregnancy. Maybe worth talking to your doc about?? Or at least an IF counselor who can help you work through some of this.
Oh, Kams, so sorry you are in such a blue funk. Please pray and ask the Lord to help you with the things you can change, like your attitude towards your SDs and hubby, and your feelings of doubt and fear. Don't worry about the things you cannot change, like daycare costs, maternity leave, etc. You know, it's sort of like looking at the grand total of what you will pay back on your mortgage by time 30 years have past. When you see that humungo number, you want to vomit and say OMG, how can we ever pay that?! But by making a payment month to month it's not all that bad.
Your emotions are alot like that too. When you sit there and think about everything you've been feeling/not feeling, doing/not doing, saying/not saying, thinking/not thinking, you will get yourself worked up into a frenzy. You've got to remember to take it one day at a time. Focus on the blessings you have inside of you and the blessings you have in your life like your husband, your SDs, your friends and family.
Oh, and if putting on make-up makes you feel better, I'll be making a call to the Bare Minerals chick like pronto and ask her to send you a buttload of make-up...LOL!
Seriously, I love you and if you feel better getting it all out and venting, then vent away my sweet friend...we are here for you, but most importantly, the Lord is there for you...always.
You are NOT alone Kami. I felt and am still feeling the same thing. I think part of mine comes from not wanting to get too attached to the babes for fear of losing them. My hormones are all over the place, I find it hard to be nice all the time, and when it comes to my God-Daughter I fly off the handle way more than ever before. I am also finding that the littlest things are annoying me. Recently I added in 3 omega fish oil supps (I was told one is not enought by my acupuncturist) and honestly I feel like it might be helping a bit. But really the emotions are nuts. One minute I am fine and then the next I just want to be left alone and not talk to anybody. Mine might have something to do with bedrest, but I will say that I also had some of this before bedrest. Ya know, you might want to talk to your OB about this. It wouldn't make you a bad Mama to go on a little medication, it would make you a better Mama. Hugs to you.
Hang in there. Yes you are incredibly hormonal and emotional right now. Plus as others pointed out you expect to feel so fantastic that you've finally reached what you've dreamed of. However you're also still dealing with fear that it can all be ripped away and all the regular pregnancy feelings that most women think nothing of complaining about. Because it took so long for you to get to this point you probably feel like you can't complain but lets face it. Pregnancy has some fantastic wonderful moments and it also has a lot more very hard or difficult moments when you truly don't feel like yourself. Hang in there girl and I hope you feel better soon.
Oh honey, it's not just you. Pregnancy is hard! And, soemtimes I think that pregnancy after IF is even worse. There's such a let down when we finally get what we want, but yet we're *not* on Cloud 9 - it can all be too much to handle sometimes.
Be easy on yourself, sweet girl. Take care of yourself, and put the rest of your energy into your sweet girls and your hubby. Together, you all will make it through this. . .
((Hugs))
:( i totally agree with what the other ladies said. it's a crazy time.
just try to take care of yoursef. make-up always helps me!!
xoxo
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I agree with what everyone said. Take things one day at a time. I will be thinking of you and praying that these feelings go away. ((hugs to you))
I remember, after battling IF for 6 yrs and finally getting pregnant feeling horribly guilty because I was so tired of being "sick/tired." Wishing I wasn't pregnant. It's like a vicious circle.
You are not alone!
"This too shall pass." :)
Oh sweetie, I wish I could help or know what to say. I'm always here if you need to talk or cry. You have my e-mail and I can give you my cell....you can call at 3 in the morning, I don't care. I'm very worried about you. (((HUGS)))
i have nothing to say that no one else said but i will say that it breaks my heart that you're not enjoying this pregnancy. you worked so hard and like you said it will probably be your only one. i want you to enjoy it. it can't hurt to talk to your OB and see what she says.
Oh I forgot to mention... I have a couple of shirts. One says "eating for three" the other says "coming soon" and has two sets of feet. I have pretty much grown out of them and would love to mail them to you if you would like them (it's funnt because when I first got them, I thought I would NEVER fit into them.) You are smaller than me, but I think towards the end they will fit, or you could use them as jammies. Email me with your address and I would be happy to send them to you if you would like them. ;-)
You are NOT alone. I was a rotten bitch during my pregnancy. I complained the whole time because I was so miserably uncomfortable and all of the complications. My marriage was also hanging on by a thread. We fought ALL the time over EVERYTHING. While there are still stressful things now, with the baby, my mood swings are nowhere near what they were when I was pregnant. It was all hormone related. I know what you mean about the arguing and whining getting to you. I couldn't stand being around other kids when I was pregnant. Which is weird, because I LOVE kids. But it gets to be too much. It will ALL get better, I promise!
Like you said, sometimes all you need to do is walk away. My step-mom did that a lot when she was pregnant and my sister was there. She still has to do that now sometimes, if only for her own piece of mind.
Oh, Idk if you've ever heard of Expecta. It's a DHA supplement. That helped with my depression and mood swings a lot when I was preggers. I guess the DHA (which is also great for babies when you're preggers/nursing) fights the depression inhibitors in your brain, so you feel "happy" more and "down" less. Hope that helps =)
Kami, I read this and my heart went out to you. I am sure hormones and being scared is alot to blame for your outbursts. You had to pump yourself with hormones to get pregnant and then your hormones are prob. going 10 fold being pregnant with twins. On top of that your scared to get close because of losing the babies. Sounds like your also a little depressed. ALthough it seems weird to prob. feel that way since this is what you wanted. When I first got my two oldest children there were days I would lock myself in the bathroom and just cry my head off. I was so depressed but didn't feel like I could share that with anyone even my husband. I thought they would look at me like I was crazy because isn't adoption what I wanted? I can say that it passed and things got much much better and it seems silly to me that I ever acted that way. I am sure once you get closer to your due date some of the scared and depression will go away. Maybe sit down and have a heart to heart with the hubby, tell him how much you love him and girls. Tell him how scared you are. In the mean time try to let yourself breath a little and try to enjoy the time you have left. Enjoy it for me and it enjoy for others that wish they could hold life in their stomach, if only for a second. Stay strong mama, it's going to get even more crazy once they are here. -kriss
Honey...I can assure you that you are not alone. It is overwhelming to be pregnant, especially after dealing with infertility. You've read my blog enough to know that I'm still in the same boat much of the time. Our husbands don't/can't/won't understand that we need a break. Our hormones are out of control and little things become huge. Keep communicating with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel. He needs to make changes, just as you have made many changes.
You can be excited about being pregnant and terrified all at the same time. Pregnancy does not all of a sudden make you fart bubbles and butterflies! It's more terrifying than being infertile! Now you have these little lives that you are trying to protect...and there is nothing you can do to protect them! I totally get it!
Hang in there...they will start moving soon and give you more reassurance. The terror might not end until they are in your arms but you will get through it. Please just talk openly to your husband and tell him you need lots of extra love and support right now. HOpefully he will be teachable enough to get it. If not...well, punch him in the nose!
(((HUGS))
sounds like we are having the same pregnancy. I have increased my trips to my therapist. its THAT bad. Im sick all the time, Im tired all the time. I dont want to say anything bad about your husband, but you cant CONTROL the hormones. It seemed unfair that he immediately jumped to not being with you over a small freak out in the car. are you exercising? what about maybe taking a class, so you have more time away from them? what about walks? All I know is I bite my tounge. a lot. but this needs to be expected. pregnancy is hard work. I spent most of saturday crying. thankfully my other kid was at my moms...I feel sad. again, not to say anything, but that seems like an unfair reaction from your husband.
I am having the same problems. You aren't alone.
im sorry youve been having a rough time lately. isnt it crazy how sometimes we can push the ones we love the most away? im sure its a mix of stress and hormones.
dont be too hard on yourself. you have a lot on your plate.
do you have your hormone levels tested? i wonder if your progesterone levels could be low? that makes you feel good! and is so important for the pregnancy! i wouldn't ignore these mood things, i'd look into them
magnesium is good for constipation and for mood
and fish oil is great for mood and for babies!
look into for sure! also, watch sugar and carbs and not enough veggies
and pray :)oh, and vitamin D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i read that you are a Christian...if so you might want to work on clearing out the dark forces...i read what you said about that women, you have to clear any kind of seeing into the future from your life...you need to be open only to God, and trust in Him...not doing that can bring depression into your life (nutrition and fish oil etc is SO important)...even saying you won't have more children in the future is not being open to God :( I'm not trying to be mean in any way, just please, be open to God, you're very fortunate, and think only of how you can be happy now, and enjoy this experience now....God can get you there, guide you there
Cute post!! I love your ultra sound pictures...seeing twins, is so cool!
On a different note...check out the baby blog swap I am hosting...let me know if you are interested in joining in. :)
Kami
I was DEF moody with my first one and hoping im not moody with our second!! Your hormones are all out of whack and well with 2 of them in there I could only imagine. Just take a deep breaths and try to relax! It will get better!!
I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. I know you can get through this. I will pray that the Lord will grant you patience with the girls and your hubby!!! Hang in there hopefully it will get easier soon!! Trust me, I am not even preggers, and I can really blow up sometimes. And of course, feel terrible after!!
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