So, I went to the doctor on Thursday. I have stated numerous times that I want to have another baby. I work for a Reproductive Endocrinologist now and the technology is at my fingertips. Not to mention I would get an amazing discount. Maybe even free IVF. So I brought this up to the old man and he said, "NO!" He is so done having kids. He has four. He is 45 years old. I should totally respect that, right? Well, yes of course I should and I do but there is a part of me that is angry that I have someone in my way of having another child. Don't get me wrong. I knew what I was marrying into. I knew that I was marrying an older man who already had children. I just didn't think of the long term effect of doing so.
Now, in saying that. I am extremely blessed to have the two that I do have. I could be left with none at all. I could still be empty handed and crying every night over not being able to get pregnant. I could be shooting myself up with those evil hormones. I could be staring at yet another negative pregnancy test and feeling that awful heaviness that comes along with it. But I'm not. Instead I have two beautiful 2 year olds that are my life! They are my everything and I would go through hell and back for them. So I sit and thank God daily for His blessing. I think to myself that I have two very healthy little girls. What if I did get pregnant again and I wasn't so lucky. What if my next child has a severe deformity. Or is mentally handicapped. Or worse, born still? Those moments are when I think to myself, I need to be done. I don't need to test the waters.
Back to the whole reason I started this rant. I went to the doctor and because of my stage four endometriosis, heavy periods, horrible mood swings and painful cramps and sex, she has recommended a hysterectomy. This is where it gets tough. I want another baby, but I don't. I am not an infant stage person. Not my favorite time of my children's life. Not going to lie. I hated it. It was a nightmare. On top of it I had the worst case of post pardum depression. That may be why it was so horrible. Or the fact that my stinking c-section scar opened back up and now I have a scar tissue deformed mess down there. Or maybe the fact that I didn't have much help from family and friends. That kind of sucked too. See, I went off again......
So, I have an appointment for June 5th with my OB. I am going to discuss the hysterectomy with her. My husband is done. He doesn't want to be in his 60's when our kids graduate from high school. I can totally see why. I see his point of view. BUT, he also says, if it happens naturally, then he would be thrilled. Makes no flipping sense to me whatsoever! So, there is a possibility by the miracle of God that my little egg could bust through the blocked tube or maybe even come out of the one that is STUCK TO MY UTERUS and miraculously be sucked into the tube that is not blocked and maybe by some miracle the old man's sperm will cooperate and swim in the right direction instead of screaming like little pansies and swimming away from the goods. Yeah, I'm being sarcastic. There is NO WAY we are getting pregnant naturally. Hence, why the old man said that. Grrrr....
Not to mention, I get absolutely no help in my home. I take care of my girls pretty much by myself. The only thing the old man is good for is being their couch to sit on. Do I really want to have another baby and add the stress to my already growing stress level. I really don't think it's a good idea. Oh, don't forget the extra daycare, extra room that we don't have and the extra room in the car that we don't have. So personally, I think yanking the baby making machine may be the ticket. I'll know more on June 5th and will report as soon as I come to a decision. I hate making decisions that will ultimately mean a final chapter in my life. What would you guys do in a situation like this? Are you even still reading? LOL
OK, vent/rant over.... That felt good!
Have a blessed day ya'll!!!
Kami
